Goodbye 24, Hello 25!

In 2 hours and approximately 25 minutes, the rate of my car insurance will go down due to my age.

I will be 25.

And, for some odd reason, it's a lot harder to bear than when I turned 20.

I do have to say that it has not started out under the best circumstances, unfortunately, which I hope and pray it is not a sign of what is to come.

My sweet and wonderful husband has been planning my birthday weekend for quite some time. A few weeks ago, he told me to make sure I didn't plan anything for this weekend because he had a few things in store for me. Of course, being the one who loves surprises and having a weekend devoted to me, I was super excited and was more than willing to go along! I immediately asked him how I should dress, and I went shopping accordingly :)

I have looked forward to this weekend for quite sometime, and FINALLY it arrived! I had bought a new shirt and some jewelry, and even had my hair done for our dinner-date Friday night - I was going to do my best to look hott! (Let's face it, I don't have too many more birthdays where I can actually look at myself and think I'm hott, so I was going to take full advantage of it). 

When I came home after my hair appointment, Chris informs me that he isn't feeling super well; he thinks he ate something at lunch that could possibly have given him a small case of food poisoning. After I told him a few times that we could cancel and try again another night, he reassured me that he would be fine once we got to the restaurant and he had something to help settle his stomach.

Poor guy, we didn't make it to enjoying our dinner.

As soon as they delivered our food, I had them box it up so I could get him home. I could tell that he didn't fill well at all, and I was not about to make him sit with a sick stomach and his steak in front of him while I chowed down on my pork chop. 

Once we got home, he went straight to bed. 

By this time, it was 8:00pm.

I would love to be able to sit here and tell you that I was the super-understanding wife who was able to be there for him all the while holding my emotions together... But I can't, because I would be lying.

Of course, Chris was not at the root of my anger and disappointment. He couldn't help it that he became sick - I knew he would never want that to happen during our dinner together for my birthday! But I was definitely angry, and I wasn't able to hide it very well. Thank goodness he fell asleep fairly quickly, because I let a few tears flow for a little while.

He had a pretty rough night, and it wasn't looking too promising this morning. But, after some rest and some more time relaxing, he finally became his silly, crazy self, once again. He was joking around and picking at me, which is always a good sign that he's doing much better. He even went with me to the grocery store to pick up something for him to eat, and he doesn't always do that when he is feeling well. 

I thought he was on the mend.

Until tonight.

We went out to eat with his aunt and uncle this evening. Before we left, I knew, once again, he was starting to feel bad. I, once again, asked him if we should reschedule. Of course, the answer didn't change, so we went.

We really had a wonderful time! We don't get to spend much time with his aunt and uncle, who I view as my mother and father-in-law more than my...aunt and uncle-in-law? I'm guessing that's what they would be. Anyways...we had a lot of fun catching up and enjoying some delicious food. Chris looked like he would make it through the night!

Then we left.

I could tell he start to decline pretty quickly, and so did my attitude.

Once again, I would love to tell you I was the encouraging wife that completely understood this sickness was out of his control and everything was okay. 

But, once again, I would be lying.

I became angry. I was getting bitter. I felt hurt and disappointment. And I couldn't hide it at all.

I tried to convince Chris my tears were not because of him, but because of the situation; because I wanted a weekend without laundry, without cooking, without worrying about everything going on and just enjoying us.

After all, this could be my one and only birthday as a married woman. No pregnancy, no children, no pets, nothing. (No, I am not hinting towards anything, but you never know what the future holds). 

I'm sure he didn't believe me, and I know he feels bad for everything, but I do know it's not his fault. All of this was out of his control, and I get disappointed too easily.

Once we got home, he went straight to bed. At 9:15pm. 

I bawled my little eyes out once I knew he was asleep. 

I haven't been able to fully understand why I was so upset over all of this. After all, we did go to two awesome restaurants, and we did get to spend today together at the house (even if it did involve laundry and didn't involve the original plan of shopping). Why am I being such a baby about this? Why do I cry every time I think about him being ill and me being well? Why am I so angry and so hurt that things didn't go how I planned?

Randomly, it dawned on me.

I miss my husband. 

I'm angry that I don't have 100% of my husband on my birthday weekend.

I'm hurt that he has to spend more time in bed than he does in conversation with me.

I'm disappointed that this weekend wasn't about us enjoying my birthday for the first time as husband and wife, but about him getting well enough to function normally. 

I don't get to have my husband for my birthday.

'But you have him every other day! Why is this such a big deal,' you ask.

I honestly can't tell you.

But it is.

And it's awful.

I just want my husband back. I want him to be his old, amazing self again. I don't want to see him in so much discomfort, especially at a time where I've become so selfish in wanting this weekend to be about...well, honestly, me. 

I want him to stay up with me to ring in this new chapter of my life, I want to talk to him about what this year may bring for us, I want to begin 25 with my husband awake and feeling well.

And I can't.

Of course, he will be laying next to me tonight, and he will be the first one to wish me a happy birthday in the morning, but he isn't fully present right now.

It saddens me so deeply that I can't enjoy this night with my husband, but thank goodness for a new day tomorrow - which happens to officially be my birthday. Hopefully, I will get my husband back 100%, and all will be well with the world, once again.

******

I'm really sorry for this pity-party that I have just thrown myself, in which you just spent time reading. Writing (or, in this case, typing) has always been an 'outlet' of mine that has helped me overcome whatever obstacle or struggle I'm having, and hopefully there is someone out there who can relate, so they know they're not alone.

24 was definitely a year that forever changed my life, and who knows what 25 will bring. But one thing I do know, this is the first year I get to encounter with my love standing beside me every single day. 

And, according to these tears, I definitely have a man who has stolen my heart and has captivated me in every way. I could not be more thankful than that as I approach being a quarter-of-a-century old in 1 hour and 40 minutes. 

So long, 24! It was nice knowing ya :)