The Scariness of Offering Everything

This weekend was a fairly big weekend for the Johns house!

On Friday, I became a brunette with bangs. I LOVE it!! I told Chris I was getting my hair done, but he didn't want to see it until he got home. So, I did what he asked and carried on with my house chores until he walked in the door. By his reaction when he first saw it, I think he really likes it too :)

On Saturday, we bought a car. I LOVE my car!! It's a 2012 Hyundai Sonata, and it's amazing. We bought this car with the intention of it being our family car until we outgrow it, and it lasting us until it dies. It's spacious, it has the electronic dashboard and stereo, it has XM radio, and I have awesome cup holders.

Plus, it gets 25+ MPG. I heard the choir of angels singing the Hallelujah chorus when we read the little sheet of details attached to the window and noticed that.

Needless to say, it was an awesome weekend for us and it makes me super happy.

Chris and I are now 'officially' members of Warren Baptist. I put 'officially' in quotations because we still have to make sure our letters from our previous churches are transferred over, but we've taken all of the steps we were asked to, so I consider us being members now.

We went to the worship service Sunday, although I was really wanting to lay in bed all morning. Both of us did not get into bed until 2:00am, so knowing that my alarm was going to go off at 8:15am just was not sounding great. This girl likes her sleep, and 6 1/2 hours just wasn't enough. But, Chris had a friend meeting us at the service, so we really needed to go.

I'm so glad we did, too.

Our pastor has been taking us through the book of Romans throughout this entire year in a series titled, 'Hope Rising.' It's all based on the verse Romans 15:13 -

'May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.'

The past three weeks or so, we've been focusing on Romans 12. This chapter is stocked full of all kinds of amazing-yet-challenging lessons. In a nutshell, it tells us to live a life that is fully submitted and committed to God; we shouldn't live like our only concern is ourselves, our gifts did not come from anything we have done but only by the Grace given to us, and this isn't our world to find our own vengeance, but to leave vengeance to God.

Like I said, it's stuffed to the maximum of just pure awesomeness.

Once the sermon was finished, we started singing. I can't even tell you what song we were singing, and I'm not sure I can tell you a chorus or a verse from it, but I can tell you that I was distracted by a thought that overcame me from singing it.

It's really scary to tell God to have your all.

Growing up in church, hearing 'Give God your all' is nothing foreign. You are told this as early as preschool years, and it's told more in-depth as you mature throughout the ministry. It's one of the basics and basis of Christianity.

It's sung in so many worship songs. You don't become immune to it, but you get in the habit of singing it without truly thinking about it. I have been guilty of this for quite a few years now.

I was convicted of this Sunday morning.

One song we did sing Sunday that I do remember and know the words to is 'Hosanna.' It's sung by Hillsong United, and the bridge goes like this:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

 



The first four lines are pretty easy to sing. My heart needs to be healed, my eyes need to be opened, and I need to be shown how to love the un-loveable (after all, I was un-loveable when Christ called me to become His beloved). I want my heart to break for what the world doesn't care about, what the world has thrown aside.

 

It isn't hard to desire these things.

 

But that fifth line. The one that's just mixed in with the rest and kind of goes under the radar; unnoticed and rarely thought through. I stopped to think about it this time.

 

Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause.

 

Not just part of me. Not just what will keep me safe. Not just what I feel like I can give.

 

Everything.

 

This includes my time, my energy, my thoughts, my actions.

 

My family.

 

My husband.

 

My life.

 

Everything.

 

Singing this line to the Lord is saying, 'I am willing to let You do whatever Your will is to advance Your kingdom. If it calls for my time, energy, thoughts and actions, I'm right there. If you need my family, I'll give it. If you want my husband, I'll let go. If you desire me, I'm Yours.'

 

This doesn't give the assurance that it won't cost us greatly. It may only cost some time out of the country, or money that we may need to pay a bill or two, or the inconvenience of changing our plans to something totally different (if you've read my previous entry, you know that giving up my ability to plan is really hard for me!).

 

But it may call for more.

 

It may call my family to go where we're not guaranteed to be protected. It may call for my husband to be away from me. It may call me to die.

 

The Lord doesn't say He will tell us what He will use us for, He just says it will advance His kingdom.

 

That is the most terrifying thought to me.

 

It's not that I don't trust the Lord! Not at all. It's the commitment of saying, 'Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause.' It's an all-or-nothing deal for Him.

 

God could call us to pack up and move across the world to an unknown land full of strangers, and ask us to be missionaries to those who hate Christ. He could call us to do this after we've started a family, so we would have to take our children into this new life too. He may call us to stay home, but to use something such as an illness or a tragedy to advance His cause. He could use the death of myself or someone I love to spread His message.

 

You don't know how you will be used in His kingdom's cause when you tell God that everything you are is available to His will.

 

That's terrifying to me. Absolutely terrifying.

 

It's not so hard to offer up myself to this unknown plan, but throwing the uncertainty of how the Lord will use my family, my husband, my future children...it scares me to my core.

 

While they were playing the song that I cannot recall the name to at worship service, I started tearing up. I played it off as if my eyes were watering, but they were true tears. It dawned on me that I cannot sing the words that declare my life, EVERYTHING I am, to be the Lord's and at His mercy to use unless I am willing to be 100% committed to it. Am I able to stand before you and say that I have given the Lord everything I am for His kingdom's cause? Not entirely.

 

Being honest here!

 

I can't tell you that I have given God everything. I'm scared of what that will bring.

 

I don't feel this is entirely a trust thing for me. I trust that the Lord will do His will and it is perfect beyond measure. I trust that, whatever He has planned for me, He will see through and provide. I just don't want to have to trust Him in a way that's required when tragedy strikes, or when you're sent to a foreign land with no one to help, or when you're faced with an illness that could claim a life.

 

I don't want to have to exercise my faith and trust beyond what I can imagine.

 

That's what terrifies me the most.

 

After we left church, we went about our lives as usual. Lunch, chores, meeting up with my mom and sister for a little bit; the usual. I kind of blocked this revelation I had at church out for a little while; out-of-sight, out-of-mind deal. I didn't want to think about it, because I knew the choice I needed to make. I knew I needed to sing those words, declaring to the Lord that everything I am and have is His and He can use however he sees fit. I just didn't want to make it.

 

After blocking it out for the past couple of days, I feel like I am finally ready to seriously pray about this fear being lifted and my faith being strengthened. I still hope the Lord does not call me to test my trust and faith far beyond my comfort zone, but I am wanting to have the peace that, if He does, He is faithful and more than worthy of my trust. Besides, there's a reason my favorite verse is John 16:33:

 

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

 

Life is and will be, no matter what, wonderful. Not because of anything I have said or will say, done or will do; my life is and will be wonderful because the Lord is greater than my greatest fear, and He is worthy to be praised.

 

Definitely not saying there won't be a time where I struggle and lose my sight on what is Perfect. But I can say that I am never abandoned. I am never out of His sight. I am forever His and He is forever mine.

 

After I got through my mental block on this situation and struggle of mine, I started feeling a little more at-peace. I am now able to look past the 'bad stuff' that can happen and start looking at the good that comes from giving everything over to the Lord. I've been recalling the mission trips I took to Brazil back in high school and the absolute joy I received from it, and it's got my wheels a-spinnin'...

 

Chris and I have talked about how we would like to do a short-term mission trip together. I think it may be time to start putting a little more action to that talk, especially since we're at a time in our lives where we can go without many limitations or distractions.

 

I feel like this past weekend was huge change for us. Although most of the change was for me, I think it's definitely affected us as a couple. To me, it's felt like that I finally stepped out of that young-bride, still-adjusting-to-my-new-life role into my wife role. I don't feel like the young adult I was just a few months ago, and I definitely don't look like her either. I have officially transformed into Mrs. Taryn Johns.

 

And I absolutely love it!