After a few years of nannying, I have learned quite a bit about children and raising them. At least I feel like I have.
I am not claiming that I am the know-it-all woman who can raise kids to act like the final result of a Super Nanny episode. Being a mother and being a nanny are not the same. I fully believe carrying a child for 9-10 months, then pushing them out or have them cut out of your uterus gives you a lot more qualification of choosing how to raise your child than someone whom you pay every day to make sure your child has clean pants and a full belly. But you don't spend 40+ hours a week with a baby without picking up a few things on how to be a mom and how to raise children.
I honestly cannot put in this blog everything I have learned from nannying/babysitting, but I have decided to do a two-part entry on the 5 biggest lessons I've learned. I am dedicating this small series as:
*WHAT I'VE LEARNED WHILE ACTING LIKE A MOM*
Let's be honest, that is what a nanny/babysitter does. I am the stand-in mom while she is out and about, except I get to go home at night without a screaming child.
Here's the top 5 'serious' lessons I've learned, in no particular order:
1ST LESSON: A CHILD NEEDS LIMITATIONS
Giving a child the ability to call the shots will do that child no good in the future. The older I get, the more I want to give my future children absolutely everything I can give them. But I understand that I can't. What purpose does it serve to give my child everything they ask for, and then allow them to disrespect me when they don't? What do they learn? They learn that if they desire something, they should get it. They don't have to work for it, they don't have to earn it, they don't have to experience disappointment of being told no without throwing an attitude. They get what they want, and that's that.
Please, do our society a favor, and teach your child that life does not revolve around them.
2ND LESSON: DON'T BE YOUR CHILD'S DICTATOR
Like I said before, a child NEEDS limitations. But there is a line that shouldn't be crossed. Your child doesn't always need to hear no.
I have kept for a family where I felt like all I said was no. That's the way the family wanted it. There were SO many limitations on this little kid, I felt awful. NO to watching his favorite show, NO to playing in this room, NO to eating this, NO to having more milk, NO to going anywhere other than the park, NO to listening to this music. Everything was NO.
I have come to understand that there are two responses to this that a child will give:
1.) Resents the parents and idolizes everything they are told NO about, or
2.) Rebels.
Unfortunately, I feel the rebellion is more common than the resenting, although neither one is a good scenario. It's just not worth it in the long run. At least I feel it isn't.
3RD LESSON: NEVER COMPARE
If you have children, or you have babysat for multiple families, you are quick to understand that there are no two children alike. Even in the same family. They may be very similar, but they still have their differences. Not sure what the difference might be? Watch their reaction to you taking away a toy or turning off the TV. But be prepared for what their reacting might be...
Once you know that no two children are the same, you have to apply it to all aspects of a child's life: growth, milestones they achieve, attitude towards situations, responses they give, intelligence, etc.
When you always compare your child to others, especially if they are close in age, either you will place your child on a pedestal or feel your child does not measure up to others.
Neither of these are good, because they lead to destructive attitudes for your child: an attitude of entitlement, or an attitude of never measuring up. Both are destructive to your child.
4TH LESSON: BE A PARENT, BUT BE THEIR BEST FRIEND
I've heard my parents say over and over, 'You cannot be your child's best friend, you have to be their parent.'
Whereas I believe that parenting comes way before friendship, you have to have a friendship with your child. You also can't just be the parent and raise children. You have to let your child know that you are also their friend. Not only their friend, but their best friend.
I want my children to know that, first and foremost, I am their mom and Chris is their dad. We were given the task by God to raise them to be God-fearing, discerning, caring, intelligent, courageous, very much loved young adults that will one day be on their own and be participants in society. We will not take that task lightly and jeopardize their futures by us slacking off in their up-bringing. But I also want them to know that we want them to run with us with their problems. I want our children to understand that our love is unconditional, my ear is always available to listen, my shoulder is always there to cry on, my advice is always ready to be given, and my phone is always in hand if I need to call someone else's mama.
I don't want my children to run to their friends with their problems, I want it to be me. I want to be their best friend, no matter what is going on. I, of course, understand that there will be things that my kids will not want to discuss with Chris and I. I was a kid once, I haven't forgotten about those topics that you're quite alright without bringing up to the parents. But I don't want them to feel that anything they did or need is too big or too small to talk to me about or ask me about, or that I will fly off my rocker anytime they mess up. I know I won't be the perfect parent/friend that I desire to be, but I want to strive to be as close to it as possible.
5TH LESSON: IT IS NEVER TOO EARLY FOR A CHILD TO UNDERSTAND GOD
I don't remember a time where I didn't know what God, Jesus, The Bible, and church were. There had to be a time where I was ignorant since we are not born with this knowledge, but I must have been very young.
I have worked with kids outside of nannying and babysitting at local churches and programs. Sometimes the greatest wisdom I hear comes from the mouth of a child. There's something about being a child who has heard about The Lord in-depth (well, as in-depth as you can go with a child) that gives them wisdom beyond their years. I also feel that it, along with continued nurturing, gives them a yearning and a desire to deepen their faith as they get older. It goes beyond the 'My First Bible' and the "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep' prayer, but with conversations they have with their parents and listening to them pray. It is the parents taking an incredible interest in their children knowing more than just the song, 'Jesus Loves Me.'
I want my children to understand that Mommy and Daddy's marriage is not perfect, just as life isn't perfect, but that The Lord is perfect, and that is where our trust and our example should be. I want them to know that The Lord listens to every word they say, He never walks away, and His plan for them is perfect. I don't think our children have to be a certain age before we talk to them about their personal relationship with God.
I don't want my children to remember a time when God was not a part of their lives, and I don't want mine and Chris's lives to give them a reason to think otherwise.
***
I know all of these lessons are much easier to write out than they are to put them into action, especially coming from someone who's life has not been turned upside-down by a baby. And I'm sure someone out there is reading this and thinking, 'Just wait until you have a screaming 3 year old in Wal-Mart with all eyes staring at you, all because your child wants dog food for the Chihuahua we don't own. You'll change your tune.' You're right, I might. Doesn't mean I won't try to stick by my guns and practice what I preach. And it doesn't mean this is what I strive to be like when I become a parent.
After thinking about and writing all of my thoughts down on how to raise children, I am definitely okay with waiting to introduce a little one into this world. Although the hair bows and the bow ties are super adorable and the cute monogrammed outfits are close to irresistible, taking on the responsibility of bringing up a little boy or little girl right now is just not something Chris and I are ready to tackle.
Yet.
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